


Loginquitas

by damnata



Series: Whumptober 2019 [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, Isolation, Light Angst, Loneliness, Pre-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Self-Induced Social Isolation, whumptober2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-27 02:51:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20941073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnata/pseuds/damnata
Summary: As long as Alec was out of sight, the shameful secret he seemed to carry like a stain on his person was out of sight.He had been fine with it.He was lonely.





	Loginquitas

**Author's Note:**

> Day 7 - Isolation
> 
> Teen Alec whump with a case of FOMO

Alec watched with slight longing as Isabelle, Jace and a few of their friends left the institute, the door slamming closed behind them. Alec knew that they were going to Pandemonium, one of the few places that didn´t bat an eye when underage Shadowhunters showed up to have a good time. He also knew that they went there every week to dance and drink and shake off the horrors they witnessed daily.

They hadn´t invited Alec with them.

He knew that he was probably a bore to his siblings, a downer, a killjoy who would likely lecture them about responsible drinking and the reputation of the Institute and “you should not break that many hearts, Isabelle, it will come back to bite you in the ass.”

Alec wasn´t fun to be around by any means and for the longest time he had been fine with it, the carefully cultivated self-isolation meant to keep his deepest, darkest secret from coming out was the only defence he had between being a Shadowhunter already too weary for his age and being deruned.

Isabelle knew, Alec was sure of it. She had started asking vague questions after Alec had gone out with them to Hardtail that one time, gotten drunk on an embarrassingly small amount of tutti-frutti alcohol and started making cow-eyes at Jace. It had been too dangerous to look at Jace like that, with unnatural want and longing likely clear in his eyes. For all he knew he could have gotten so drunk that he lost all inhibitions and went to kiss him, causing Isabelle´s mild amusement and Jace´s ignorance to turn into disgust. 

Alec didn´t think he could live knowing that his siblings were disgusted by him. Hated him. 

He couldn´t risk it so he stopped going out with them, stopped taking part in the gatherings inside the institute, stopped eating at the mess hall and visiting the Swedish lectures, choosing instead to study by himself.

As long as Alec was out of sight, the shameful secret he seemed to carry like a stain on his person was out of sight.

He had been fine with it.

He was lonely.

But it was too late now. Jace and Izzy had asked him to join them as many times as Alec had turned them down until they stopped. It had been close to a year now since he last went out with them. They quit asking Alec to join him as steadily as they quit involving him in any of their plans that didn´t involve training or hunting.

It was his own fault. Alec had pushed them too far away in order to keep the stain from coming out, instead choosing to pick and scratch and obsess over it alone in the sanctity of his room. He wanted to remove the stain, had tried to will it away but couldn´t.

It had already seeped to dirty his soul. It was a part of him that could never be washed away, only hidden under layers upon layers of lies and denial and loneliness.

“Aren´t you going out with them, kid?” Hodge asked in an overly friendly tone, his eyes reflecting the pity he felt towards Alec. 

Alec hated it. He needed to run, to retreat and hide.

“No,” He sniffed haughtily, already marching towards his room. “I have better things to do.”

He didn´t.


End file.
